am i really that bitter?
because that's exactly how i feel.

visiting winthrop scared the crap out of me.

by human instinct we think we are ready to take on more than we can handle. we try to move faster than life has intended us to. if life was a 5 course meal, we would be looking at the dessert menu before the appetizers had even arrived. but when it comes down to the very moment where we are able to grow up, to chow down on our desserts, what if we're not ready? what if we're full or we actually want to stick with the main course for a bit longer? 
how can we be so sure, so absolutely positive that we are ready for the next step?

i often tell myself that college will be exciting, that it will be slightly hard to leave home, but it's all a part of growing up.
oh wait, that's the understatement of the year.
leaving home will be complete heartbreak, i know i will bawl as soon as my parents leave me in a dorm with a roommate i don't know.
the first taste of anything new is always shocking and usually unexpected. this year i have been telling myself that i am so ready for college. but maybe what i mean is that i am so ready to be out of high school.
honestly, i may be tired of eating the main course for 3 1/2 years, but at least it's familiar. moving forward means diving into something completely new and terrifying, no matter how sweet it may be once i get used to it.
it's the period where my taste buds have to adjust that scares me.

i also visited clemson this spring break.
my best friend and i went to stay with her sister and i absolutely loved it.
what a sharp contrast between my nervous feelings during the winthrop tour and my comfortable feelings during my stay at clemson. once i adjust to college like i experienced at clemson, i know i will love it.
but right now, i feel like i am moving straight into the unknown, just like my 2 hour walkthrough of winthrop.

while i was at clemson there was plenty of freedom. hey, no parents anywhere. complete independence was wonderful, but despite the liberating experience i didn't feel much of a difference. i felt completely content sitting and watching america's next top model marathons for two days straight with minor breaks for tours, food, and downtown clemson.

that life will grow on me, no doubt.
but until i am able to grow personally i would prefer to savor the main course while it lasts.

recently, i was talking to my friend when, instead of blurting out "Oh my gosh!", the phrase "Oh my word!" came to my lips. i quickly shut my mouth and burst into a fit of laughter. my friend joined in at my elderly choice of words. the next day i did the same thing with her.
as a teenager i have come to realize that there is a pattern of redundancy in my life and that i'm ready to mature and grow up in some ways.

i love having a little diversity in my life.
i love trying new things, hanging out with new people.
i like it when i feel like i've made a good impression.





spring break '08 started today. 
hopefully at some point over these 10 days i will get a small taste of college life.
how terrifying and exciting is that. oh my word.

 hahaha
i love journalism and the people i have met through it.




miss mellon, what would i do without you?

dear miranda,

i forgot how much i miss you. you are an amazing, beautiful girl and i hope you will someday be able to completely realize and embrace that. lately, i haven't been enjoying talking much because all i heard was that a certain asshole of a boy wasn't treating you with the respect you deserve. i'm so glad you have recognized that piece of crap for what he is.
if i could see you and shannon just for a day, or a weekend i would probably lose all control due to extreme excitement. i really do miss you.



dear ashley,

we're not anywhere near as close as we used to be. that doesn't change the love i have for you though. i'm not sure what happened between you and bobby, but you dated for over two years. you don't seem to be hurting outwardly too badly, but i'm sure it will hit you at sometime. and i really wish i could be there for you. we're cousins and that is a bond that i think i will always hold onto. love you girl. 

 i hate hate hate the memories i have of you.
this is really quite irrelevant to most of my life, because you rarely cross my mind.

but when i do actually get to thinking that we used to be "friends"
this headspinning feeling comes over me.
i question my judgment because you are absolutely nothing i would want in a friend.
i can't even think of all our fights and i can't conjure up all the times you lied to me or hurt me.
but the fact that those old disputes still remain in the very back of my mind to pop up at random bothers me.
it shows that i haven't let go completely.
i don't need to hold onto any bad feelings, i don't need to live in darkness.



and so here i am.
letting go.

i'm walking away from the darkness and into the light.

a friend.

i still miss being close with you. for the short time we were best friends i really did enjoy it. i'm so glad we got to hang out recently, but i'm not sure if that will change anything. 
i miss that time freshman year when we hung out and took pictures after the first day of school. i miss going to the mall and taking ridiculous hat pictures. i miss listening to your mom's stories. i miss our vacation to disney world all the time. i miss taking that jacuzzi bubble bath where we overflowed the tub with suds. and i miss having a best friend that would sneak me around in the coolest van ever.
i used to blame us growing apart because of a boy. and i suppose it was originally his fault, but it was yours too. you didn't realize it though, so i don't hold any grudges. but now, that boy is gone and we're still not as close anymore. so i also blame myself.
maybe we're not meant to be best friends, but gosh sometimes i really do miss you.

there's something beautiful about passion for another person.





let's get one thing straight. 
i'm not very sentimental. i hate public display's of affection, take it elsewhere.
i hate gushing about how much somebody 'likes' somebody. 
but passion is completely different.


passion is that feeling that makes you shake when it comes your way.
it brings tears to your eyes when you see it in movies or hear about it in songs because it's so damn moving. 
it's filled with every emotion on the spectrum. a desire so strong, a compassion so deep that you want to laugh and cry at the same time.
my gosh, it's rare.

but it's the one thing i want to feel before i die.

i've never thought much of the new year.
people make resolutions they don't keep. for one night they light fireworks and drink champagne and laugh too much. and after the ball drops everybody screams to welcome a new year.
but to be blunt, what's the point?



this year is different though.
i suppose because i truly, deeply want to see a change in myself.
i'm not unhappy with my life because honestly, i am really fortunate to have the life i do.



but i can't say i'm 100% satisfied either. 
and a year from now i want to be able to look back and love the person i have become.
i want to see a change.
i want to embrace a new me, without letting go of who i am right now.


as Ghandi once said.
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."

my dreams have really been disturbing me these past couple nights.
they're so vivid and even after i wake up they make my stomach churn.

except for last night's.
still crystal clear, but not sickening.
i doubt there's a good reason for you being in my head though.






new years eve is in two days.
that sort of bothers me, too.
life seems to be going way over the speed limit when i want it to slow down.
and the things i can't wait for are taking too long to arrive.

andd, i'm not going to blow anything out of proportion if i can help myself.
but i'm just saying, wouldn't it be enjoyable?







Christmas Eve is tomorrow.
that is insane.
i feel like i've missed the entire season. 

wouldn't it be splendid if you could bring me a multitude of things?
absent of materialistic value,
oh the possibilities that it would bring.







that list would be quite lengthy
if you could do such a thing.
 

washing over me
completely
stress has lifted
anxiety has evaporated.



r e l i e f. 

i fight for the things i care about.
i fight for the things that push me over the edge.
but mostly, i fight for my own opinion regardless of the opponent.






but the question is,
when do you know when the victory is yours? 

apathetic: 1 : having or showing little or no feeling or emotion : spiritless 2 : having little or no interest or concern : indifferent


sometimes i am tired of acting like i care.
i'm perfectly aware of how i am feeling in the moment, 
i don't feel the need to showcase my emotions like a limited time exhibit. 

i think it would be nice to punch you in the face,
and tell you that you are not always right.

i think you have some growing up of your own to do.